“Past Traumas .. the Present of Our Children .. How to Change and Heal”

“How to Love Our Children The Right Way”

I have talked about new born babies and how they come to life extremely ready; we also mentioned that children are in a state of receptiveness ; receiving  messages from parents. This article is a continuation of the previous one, and is dedicated to tackling parents’ unconscious rejection of a child and of his \ her liveliness , energy and readiness .

Furthermore, we will be addressing how to distinguish what causes parents to stress and to be nervous; be that past traumas or current pressure .

In the previous article I have mentioned that some of the negative messages lurking in the unconscious mind of some parents include ones :


  • I do not deserve the attention.
  • I do not deserve love.
  • I do not deserve kindness.
  • I deserve the beating.
  • I deserve the punishment.
  • I deserve to be yelled at.
  • I am bad.
  • I am fit for nothing.
  • I am unable to do any self-management.

I cannot find a person who can understand me, nor stand me … I must be obnoxious .

As for ourselves , if we tried to take a deep breath , tune in to the internal voices inside us and focus on the images that we can view inside our own minds , we would find that the majority of which a reof a negative nature.

As a result , some parents might exhibit one of the following symptoms :

  1.  Parents’ immediate reaction to what a child does is resentment and extreme irritation.
  2.  Finding it difficult to control or restrain one’s self no matter how hard one tries.
  3. Parents’ reaction is intense and not in proportion with the action of the child.
  4. Feelings of disapproval and resentment towards the child; accompanied with harsh hurting words like: “You are a looser… You never understand…You will never change or improve… You…You…”
  5.  Feeling sad , distressed and depressed because of the actions, activity and questions of the child.
  6.  Feeling ashamed and like a failure because of the grades of the child or because of the child’s behavior outside the house.
  7. Severely punishing a child for defying the orders of parents.
  8.  Finding it difficult to engage in a conversation with the child; feeling intensely provoked upon just seeing or attempting to converse with the child.
  9.  Lacking the desire to spend any nice time with the child; and finding it extremely difficult to attempt to do so , coupled with feelings of guilt.
  10. Giving random orders, being a control freak and holding toone’s own opinions.
  11. Feeling burdened , distressed and tired of the responsibility of the family and those of the children.

All these symptoms strongly indicate that past traumas and negative messages exist in the unconscious (the soft base) or what is known as the blue print of the parents .

How to Overcoming These Symptoms And to Reconcile With Oneself،The Healing:

Step one:

Realizing and being aware that my actions and my behavior as a parent are negative and are not caused by what my children do.

Step two:

Accepting “ me ” Accepting my “ self ” .

Accepting the fact that what I did was not meant to abuse my children or to be mean to them.

Step three:

Allowing room for forgiveness , Forgive yourself , Forgive your mother, and your father for the traumas they caused to you.

Step four:

Making a serious, strict and firm decision to change. My decision should include the words”I want to change” and not “I have to change” … Because “ I want to change ” triggers the mind to think “ How can I change? What can I do to change? ” However, something like “ I have to change ” triggers a response like “ But I can’t , Maybe it will be very difficult…”

Step five:

Writing down the problem areas and choosing your priority… For example, I can choose to focus on my own emotions; I might choose towork on the harsh punishment system I imposeor I can choose to focus on one of my children…. Choose one thing to work on and do not overwhelm yourself by attempting to improve everything at once…The most effective factor contributing to the process of change is setting simple, doable, achievable goals instead of huge, long term and difficult to achieve ones.

Step six:

Determining what exactly is to be changed. For instance, if I were to tackle my emotions; I should determine whether I will change their intensity or their timings? You can, for example, choose to adopt any of the following changes: “I will be giving myself two minutes before I judge a certain behavior and before I respond with agitation” … ”I will breathe and remember God…”  “I will change the position of my body … If I were sitting I will stand up, if I were standing I will sit down etc.”

Step seven:

Be kind to yourself… Give yourself enough time to change… For example, if I used to snap more than 5 times a day and I managed to control my temper two times then I should praise myself and appreciate that. I should keep trying until I manage to control myself the whole 5 times.

Step eight:

Purging of negative feelings… Ask yourself “Am I sad because I am burdened with negative messages? How do I express this sadness? Do I allow myself to express and relief myself of it through crying, exercising, writing or drawing?”  The EFT technique can also help with that. You can watch EFT technique videos on YouTube.

Step nine:

 Constantly reminding yourself that your children are part of you but are not who you are… When considering their behaviors, totally detach these actions from you…For example; if your child is so noisy and fidgets a lot…Your reaction might be feeling of resentment, and so you scold him\ her. The reason why you do so is because you feel ashamed because people will think that you have failed to disciple him\her or raise him\her to be a good child… This problem concerns the parents and has nothing to do with the child… Thus, you should isolate this negative belief and concept, and then attempt to view your child’s action objectively… If you do so, the scenario would consequently change into the following one:“My child is so noisy and fidgets a lot … Perhaps he\she is bored… How can I occupy his\her time? Maybe my child is full of energy and is into sports, how can I develop these skills?  Maybe my child is suffering from some negative feelings or had been through a bad experience at school. How can I get close to my child and find out what is wrong?”

Step ten:

The most crucial step of all is to make sure; before following the above steps; that the change you are making is intended to help improve your family, to ensure a comfortable and a safe home for your children in order to enjoy the experience of having them.

In order to be able to implement any of these steps, we must ask ourselves: “How do we want our children to be like ten years from now? How do I want my relationship with them to be like when they grow up? What childhood memories will they carry with them and tell their own children about? What kind of role do I want them to play in the society?”

The answer to these questions varies from one person to another…But definitely, they are all positive ones… So when the intentions, the objectives, and the desired results are all positive; then all the more reason the parenting method sought to be positive.

Let us begin right now… Now I am a better mother…. Now I am a better father… Now I am more forgiving… I am now more cooperative … I am more patient than I used to be… I work hard to make more change in myself… Simply because I love you more dear children…

Best Wishes

Sana Issa